All these confused emotions started even before my first day of class. Nursing had been the plan for like FOREVER then as it grew closer and closer I became more and more unsure. Then, the end of the very first week of classes, I fought with God. Hard. I was so confused and so frustrated. I didn't understand why God had given me such an intense burden on my heart for the victims of human-trafficking so long before I could do anything major about it like I wanted to. I didn’t understand why nursing was the route God wanted me to go. There were so many other majors that made just as much sense, if not more, that would go with opening a human-trafficking shelter – counseling, business, anything ministry related, legal degrees, etc. and that’s all I could think about. I was throwing the biggest temper tantrum just because I was upset God was making me wait, because I didn’t believe that His plans were better than mine, because He wouldn’t give me exactly what I wanted at the exact time I wanted it, because I was scared, because I was doubting Him.
Doubt and unbelief are a big deal. When Peter was walking on water he doubted Jesus for just a second and he began to sink. Abraham and Sarah doubted that God would give them their own son so much that Abraham slept with his servant to get a son. Thomas didn't believe that Jesus had really risen from the dead until he came face-to-face with Him. Coincidentally (actually, I believe this was perfectly planned by God), one of the lessons in our current bible study (Chase by Jennie Allen) was about belief and she words it way better than I ever could so here’s a section that really stuck with me: “God's view of sin encompasses any unbelief, anything short of loving God with your entire mind, soul, and strength, which is the greatest commandment. Belittling Him in any way is as offensive to Him as murder or adultery, because the sin is against our holy God and Creator. As I've pointed out before, the sin is so great because we sin against Someone so great. Every single one of us does this, every single day. It's one thing to say we sin, though, and it's another to actually enter into the reality of that dark moment to feel the weight and sadness of what sin truly means for us. But after the dark moments God steps in to save us despite our wreck of a life. Digging up sin is about as fun as digging up concrete, but it is necessary and worth it. To taste the forgiveness and freedom God offers is the sweetest thing this side of heaven. Grace gets real when we see our need for it.”
So, in my anger, in my confusion, in my frustration, in a dark moment I cried out to Him and let Him hear it all. Then I waited. I was determined not to leave His presence until He spoke to me. Then just as He promises, He spoke. In His still, small voice He said, “I will take care of you.”
Six words. That’s all I needed to hear. It’s amazing how sometimes you intellectually “know” something, but then something like this happens, and now you understand it a little bit more. I knew God would take care of me, because I read it in His Word, but at that moment it’s like I was hearing it for the first time. Those six words from God meant so much more than any amount of words from any human on earth. Those six words have carried me through the past six weeks and will continue to do so probably for the rest of my life (along with many other of His words, I hope!).
Looking back, all my break-down was really about was my sinful nature, me being human, “letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace” (Romans 8:6). Satan is the ultimate deceiver, He will put anything in your mind to make you become confused and lack confidence in God’s word so you’ll be ineffective, and he’s REALLY good at his job, unfortunately. But Jesus is better, because He is truth. So cry out to Him; He can take it. He can take your anger, your frustrations, and your fear, just make sure that afterwards you get quiet long enough for Him to take control of your mind and fill it with His word, His truth, His promises, His love, His goodness, His life and His peace!
God, thank You so much for your patience. Thank You for your grace so that I can have my freak out, pity-party moments. Thank you for the freedom that comes from exposing sin. Help me to daily be reminded of Your bigness and that You are for me. I don’t want to be like the father in Mark saying “Have mercy on [me] and help [me], if you can” (Mark 9:22-24). I know You can, because You’ve promised it and You’ve done it so many times before. Help me overcome my unbelief, too! I’m sorry I doubt, I’m sorry I don’t believe, I’m sorry for belittling you, forgive me! I fully believe in my heart that you’re going to take care of me. You already have in more ways than I can count. I love you so much!